How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
