I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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