He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
