I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
