Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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