I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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