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haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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