I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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