why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
