I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
