Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
