So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Its about making memories worth repressing
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
