My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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