life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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