I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
