capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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