you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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