So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
