I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
