the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
