I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
