APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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