We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
