if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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