Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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