I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
