the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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