i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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