What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
