I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
