shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
