He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I use my feet as sexual weapons
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
