Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
