Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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