i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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