I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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