I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
