You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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