defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
