just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
