My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
