I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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