Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
