I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
