My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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