I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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