i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
