she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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