Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
