mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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